EVOL LOVE

LOVE has been a concept that has plagued me since my birth here on this planet. From as far back as I can recall, I have related everything in my immediate surroundings to this word. For example, when I was little I remember being in my grandmothers 2 acre backyard in Villa Rica, Georgia where she found me trying to resurrect dead insects on her porch that fell victim to this little contraption known as the "zapper". For those of you who don't know, the zapper resembles a hanging lamp with a black light bulb inside. It emits this beautiful ray of purple haze which insects are apparently attracted to and even I was attracted to! But this factor soon became the most horrific act of technology I have ever seen when I watched a glorious little butterfly slowly zone into this vortex of purple where it was suddenly ZAPPED and fell dead!!! In that moment, it all became very clear to me why there were dozens of little insects all piled up against eachother under what I once thought to be a beautiful purple hanging light. It was a death trap and I was ridden with the guilt that I was somehow responsible for the death of each of these insects. I remember thinking about the families of these insects and how they must be up worrying about where their mother is or father is or child! So I had no other choice but to resurrect the dead using the power of LOVE. I picked up the crispy and frail butterfly into my hands and blew on it while saying the words "I love you. Please come back. We're sorry." My grandmother had been screaming my name for the past 15 minutes trying to get me to come back so I could finish pulling the weeds out of the flower bed with her. After not answering to the first 20 times I heard my name called, she storms to the back porch looking for me and finds me with a pile of dead insects and a butterfly in my hand. My response to her exasperated expression was "Grandma, if we love them enough they'll come back". Needless to say, the butterfly never flew again and the others never made it back to their families. But rest assured, I made it back to the flower bed where I did finish pulling the weeds!

I always thought LOVE to be a magic that was so powerful, it could create miracles. I still do, but somehow it's been shifted somewhere in the walks of my life. I believed LOVE to have the power to free you, empower you, embrace you and make you a better human being. In my present state and in the lives of those around me, LOVE seems to have been held prisoner by bitterness, hurt and loss. I can't understand why I feel cut open when I feel this emotion, as if every truth I've ever held so dear to me has now become a best selling novel on the dusty shelves at Borders. And more importantly, I can't understand why I am suddenly so intimidated by vulnerability. When did my association to LOVE become words of cynicism? When did my desire to define LOVE become more important than the act itself? When did I stop believing in LOVE?

What scares me the most is that I now understand those people who make a conscious effort to steer clear of LOVE. The ones who say "It's not you, it's me. I love you, but I can't be with you". I now get them and it shakes me to the core. Looking back, I felt safer by myself than when I was with another. Maybe I was with the wrong person, maybe I wasn't. All I know is that I have an idea of what LOVE is, what it looks like and what it feels like. Maybe LOVE is just a word and what we feel is where we belong. But, until I find the place in another that I feel within myself, I will continue on with my journey to find that little girl who thought LOVE could save the life of the beautiful butterfly.